The Path Forward

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I’m starting to think about my next book. I won’t be able to start writing seriously for another couple of months, but I’m taking some steps in that direction. Here’s a speech I recently gave that touches on the new book’s thesis and I’d love to know what you think. Please share your thoughts in the comments. Thanks.

A New Way of Looking at Things

Today, I’m going to give you a bit of history. This is a subject I always liked. History makes a neat package of names and dates, causes and effects. It’s job is to make some sort of sense out of things and I’ve always wanted that. I mean, who doesn’t?

Isn’t that what we’re after? A predictable outcome? A known quantity? A reason for why stuff happens and the ability to control what happens next?

I was a thirteen year old sophomore when my father was killed by a drunk driver.

When I was a sixteen, I lived in a college dorm with a population bigger than my home town.

At nineteen, I was dating two men. One hurt me. The other rescued me and I married him. He was my hero.

By twenty four, I had three sons. We had no money. Once, I bought cheap dishes at a garage sale, shattered them with a hammer, and buried them near a two hundred year old wall in the woods so my children could discover them in a manufactured archaeological dig.

My kids were elated when they dug up the shards, but, to my chagrin, they didn’t want to glue the pieces back together again. They wanted to watch Power Rangers.

I wanted control. Of my life. Of my heart. Of my husband and children. I had imagined what having a child would be like. I would sit in a rocker next to a window. The curtain would be lace. The breeze would be soft. I would hold my child to my breast and sing while he nursed. That didn’t happen. I had twins. While I nursed one, the other screamed. If I tried to nurse them both, my arms fell asleep.

I imagined marriage. Soul mates. Best friends. I just didn’t imagine what ended up mattering to him. As it turns out, heroes require victims.

I left him, kids in tow, on my 29th birthday. The kids and I flew home. Through the woods and over the hill, to grandmother’s house we’d go. Literally. I mean up a three mile dirt road from hell into a canyon removed from the world.

My kids couldn’t watch Power Rangers. Really. There was no TV. Or radio. Or internet. Just the sky, the mountains, my kids and me.

I tiled my mother’s bathroom.

I borrowed her truck, filled it with regular gasoline instead of the diesel it took, and ruined it.

My mom wasn’t ready to be a grandmother yet.

Coming home wasn’t as I imagined it.

I’d given up on control by this point. Safety was the only alternative. I’d have given anything for that, but it, too, proved elusive. Right now, if I had a sound system, I’d play you a snippet from the Doors.

“People are strange…”

The truth is, I’ve done a lot of things. I regret many of them. Not because I did them, but because I missed the important part. While I pursued control, safety, and personal need, I ignored the one thing that really mattered because my drama was way more interesting.

The trouble with drama is that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a nice way of not being boring. When we create drama, we think we matter in some way.

I’m sorry.

We don’t.

Not through drama anyway.

I digress. We’re doing history here. Making sense out of chronology and determining cause and effect.

By thirty, I’d taken a local non-profit from a small organization running 60,000 in the red to a successful organization operating comfortably in the black.

I didn’t do that all at once. It took about a year and half and I had some serious help.

Some of you may remember Owen Lopez, the former ED of The McCune Foundation.

One morning, a long time ago, I walked into Owen’s office with a twenty four year old boss who had recently graduated from UNM and didn’t really know anything.

College can apparently do that.

I wouldn’t know. I didn’t graduate.

Ok. So. Here I am. 29 years old. No degree. No real work history. I’m running an after school program because I won’t let anyone else take care of my kids (that control thing again) and I’m teaching 18 kids about how to carve soapstone with a dremmel and write their own mythologies. We catch snakes and lizards. We make snack. We imagine ruling the universe.

Remember. I’m good at imagining stuff.

So on this morning, accompanied by my younger boss, I make a pitch to one of the biggest granting organizations in the state. Owen Lopez is dry. He’s obtuse and somewhat abstract. He listens politely to my pitch. He makes a joke that goes beyond my 24 year old, recently graduated boss, and asks a question about my proposal.

He says, “Ok. Your idea sounds sexy. It’s bold and might work, but I have to ask, who’s going to teach this kind of stuff for $8 an hour?”

Good question, right? Back then, this was 1997, $8 an hour was the going rate for childcare directors.

I looked at Owen Lopez, stepped in front of my young boss, and said, “I am.”

Owen gave us the grant. $40,000 dollars was a lot back then.

Somehow, some way, that grant and my fake archeological dig lined up in my mind, but I wasn’t listening to me then.

Fast forward.

My young boss lasted less than six weeks.

I talked my way into her job.

That’s the thing about parenting. You’ll sign yourself up for almost anything to make sure your kids are adequately fed.

I got a raise. I was making a whopping 10 dollars and 30 cents an hour. Oh. My. God. I should buy a house.

Make an investment.

Put some money aside for my kid’s future.

I still was pretty big on control.

Yeah. Safety mattered, too.

And wow, with the money I was making, I thought I could afford some stuff.

I looked all over town. I applied for mortgages. Turns out, my ex husband’s credit was way more important than my lack of credit.

I was blank out of luck.

I’d be working poor as long as I was willing or capable of work. My kids ate a ton.

And then, this thing happened. Nothing I could have foreseen or planned.

My crotchety, old landlord offered me a gift. “Buy this house.” He said.

“I don’t have a down payment or credit.”

“That’s okay,” he said. We’ll make it work.”

Well, he did. He made it work. He pretended to be my uncle, gifted me $80,000 in equity, and arranged a mortgage through a friend.

Yep, you’re looking at it. I was one of those sub-prime mortgage holders that brought about the end of the world.

No, I wasn’t responsible for the collapse of Lehman Brothers. I paid my mortgage. On time. Every month because I owed it to that man and my kids to hold onto that house.

Then, 9/11 cost me my job.

With the economy in a tail spin, and my lack of credentials, I couldn’t get a job. So I created one. I had almost $5,000 in a retirement fund and some unemployment benefits. This was not nearly enough to cover my mortgage or food in the fridge for long, but it was enough to buy me some time.

Time, when you’re in pursuit of control, or safety, is paramount.

Somehow, I managed to leverage the property I shouldn’t have owned, the unemployment benefits, and the favor or a friend into an art career that shouldn’t have happened. Don’t forget, I had no money. I didn’t have a degree. I was a single mom in a time when the PTA president didn’t want me to join because I would denigrate the organization. No. I’m not kidding.

My career as a sculptor astounded most.
It astounded me.

I didn’t think I deserved my success.

How about you? Ever wondered if you deserved what you got? Better or worse?

Fast forward.

I met the man of my dreams in 2004. I didn’t know it at the time, but, as it turns out, he was one more thing I couldn’t control.

We didn’t marry until 2013.

Before we married, and while we were still figuring out how to be partners, I was awarded the title of Santa Fe Business Woman of the Year.

I was blown away.

Really.

I’m not a business woman in any ordinary sense of the word.

I suck at math.

I refund everything.

I’m never looking at the bottom line.

Instead, I’m looking at my customer’s faces.

And that’s why I’m here today talking with you.

The reason I took that award isn’t because of the profit I made or how carefully I managed costs. I took it because of what I did for the people in my community. I created a shopping center with a soul. I required all tenants to give back to the community they served. I gave back. Some thought me nuts. They were wrong.

As of this minute, I can list the following accomplishments:

I successfully raised three children and they have become men I adore.

I married the man I love.

I won multiple awards as an artist.

I was named business woman of the year.

I have authored four books, the last of which I’d give you all for free if I could, and the first of which took a national award.

I co-own a shopping center. I own a store.

Most importantly, I’m here before you now.

Do you know what’s great about history? It’s not the 20/20 vision of what’s transpired before.

It’s the running themes that evolve into outcomes never predicted, expected, or thought possible.

I didn’t graduate college.

I’ve won some awards and achieved a modest wealth.

But here’s what I’ve learned.

There is no guaranteed outcome.

People are strange.

There is only ONE Thing we can control and that determines everything.

What we control is what we give.

To ourselves.

To our customers.

To our children and friends and lovers.

To our community and our families.

What I’ve learned. What I’m on a mission to share. Is that we are NOT in control of anything else.

But when we accept that small responsibility, everything changes.

We’re taught to manage, manipulate, seduce, or coerce to ensure the company is profitable, the children do well in school, the marriage lasts. We’re taught to go after what we need, to GET it at whatever cost. And our focus on getting is a tragedy.

Today, I invite you to imagine with me. Imagine if, instead of waiting for someone else to fill your need, you fulfilled theirs or yours?

If you want loyal customers, imagine giving them something bigger than a discount. What do they need? Is it your time? Is it the music they like on the radio? Is it a warm smile and the promise they can have their money back if they change their mind?

Now, imagine something that makes you happy. Just for a second. Close your eyes. Breathe in. Do you see it? Imagine giving that to yourself. Just doing it, buying it, going there.

Next, imagine dismissing all the reasons you can’t get what you want. Because there aren’t any. There is nothing standing in the way of your happiness except what you’re unwilling to give to yourself.

Here’s the thing. When you wait for someone else to give you what you need and want, you give away ALL YOUR POWER. They are now in control of what you receive. Maybe they like that. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they don’t know how to give to you in way you’re able to receive.

But…

When you give – to yourself, your customers, your children, your friends, family, and community, you empower yourself and give others permission to do the same. There IS NO CONTROL. There is only who you want to be, how you want to live, and what you give to your dream.

That’s what makes an excellent business.

It’s what makes a marriage.

A friendship.

A connection.

When you give, wholeheartedly and without trying to control an outcome, history becomes irrelevant. The story changes.  Life begins again.

When the Ideas Come

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I lay somewhere between wake and sleep, that tangled place of sheets, timid sunlight, and chaotic dreams.

It is here, in the stillness, ideas surface. They come like trout to the surface, swift and fleeting. A twist of phrase, a leap of scent, a shimmer reminiscent of mountain sunsets.

I breathe slowly. One sudden movement and they’ll dart away. That one, there, just out of reach. It’s a big one. Hard to catch. Harder to hold. Ah. There it goes. It’s gone. Retreated to the deep. Waiting at the bottom beneath some great old tree for me to quit, give up, leave.

 

Experimenter

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Under the comfort of a soft blanket, my husband and I nestled on the couch, ignoring sunshine and chores to binge watch Netflix for the better part of a lazy afternoon.

At one point, we stumbled on an interesting movie. Experimenter startled us. Of course we knew about Stanley Milgram’s research into human behavior, but somehow the film drove it home in a way that psyche class decades ago failed to do.

The film was a great reminder of how easily we succumb to authority and how so much of our behavior is influenced by a need to belong.

It made us more conscious about the importance of listening to our hearts and acting on what we hear. Somehow, when we do that we regret less and have less to fear.

The movie and subsequent dialog are worth the time. Who knows? Maybe they’ll help the world.

Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day isn’t really my thing.

I’d rather a dandelion in a meadow than a dozen roses in a vase.
Give me the sweetness of a kiss or touch that doesn’t demand.
Ask me about my day without a phone in your hand.

Walk with me to the top of the hill and listen to the wind.
Romp with the dog and flash me a grin.

In the morning, don’t jump so quickly from our bed.
Linger awhile.

The world can wait, love. It can.

Stop for a moment.
Dance with me.

Those songs, our songs, smooth the wrinkles and lines.
They light your eyes.
They make me sing inside.

Don’t give me a holiday or sliver of night,
buy me a card, or wait for candlelight.

I’ll take the minutes snatched from our lives.
Like conspiring thieves, let’s steal more time.

Radio Interview with Lynn Cline on KSFR

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I just got this podcast. It’s good. Lynn is a great conversationalist (and author) and our talk about gender roles, the obesity epidemic, relationships, and more will give listeners some real insight into me, my books, and what I’m doing on the planet these days.

I hope you get a chance to listen. It’s about 20 minutes long. If you do, let me know what you think about these issues. I’m looking forward to your thoughts.

http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/6/c/0/6c07c8f9feab36be/ClinesCorner_1_22_2016.mp3?c_id=10810376&expiration=1454707060&hwt=d3c97df40daa0d014a6b58145ace6016

The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves by Destiny Allison

Thanks for the awesome review, Teri!

Books and Such

I’m honored to be featured on the WOW! Women On Writing Blog Tour for Destiny Allison’s new book, The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves.

Brave, raw, and unflinchingly honest, this book is a weight loss journey, a love story, a heart beating loudly on the 26219862page. Every day we battle against something–injustice, our spouses, our weight. Seldom do we acknowledge the real wars we wage. Repressing feelings and silencing our voices, we suffer under the surface, attributing emotional distress and unwanted pounds to the inescapable effects of hormones or age.

But weight gain, anxiety, and marital difficulties aren’t always so easy to explain.

In her poignant and touching memoir, Allison doesn’t offer recipes, exercise tips, or advice. Instead, she shows us how to stand up, express what we want, and develop empathy for ourselves and the people we love. In doing so, she provides…

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Legitimate Outrage or Hype Over CDC’s Advice to Women?

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I read an article on Mashable this morning that made my blood boil. The headline was, “CDC tells millions of women to stop drinking, just in case they get pregnant.”

What the CDC actually said in their updated advisory was (among other things), women should “Stop drinking alcohol if they are trying to get pregnant or could get pregnant.”

The uproar is over the use of the word “could.” It implies that the health of a yet to be conceived and hypothetically desired child is more important than a woman’s right to bodily autonomy.

I posted the article on Facebook. A friend took issue with the inflammatory headline and slant of the article. Her comments made me think.

The CDC did not (one hopes) intentionally seek to render women merely vessels for future, potential offspring. And yet they did. Can you imagine telling a man not to drink because he might one day become a dad and his alcohol consumption might harm his future kid? That would be outrageous. The CDC’s admonition was outrageous. Maybe it was a slip. I assume they meant nothing malicious and certainly the document was not written to have the effect it did.

But here are the questions: Do words matter that much? Should we value intent over content? If we do not police the tiny, unintended messages can we ever shape a culture of equality?

I’m curious to know what you think.

Why Review? Because it’s Easier not to.

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People are scared to write reviews. It’s a fact.

Here are some of the fears:

  • Someone might disagree with me and I’ll feel stupid.
  • I’m not smart enough or don’t know enough to sound intelligent.
  • I’m not a good writer.
  • Nobody cares what I say.
  • My opinion doesn’t count for much.

There are many others, I’m sure, but these are the ones I’ve heard.

Because of these fears, people stay quiet instead of using their voices to help shape the world.

Here are some more facts:

  • Reviews don’t have to be more than a sentence. You can simply write “I loved it.” Or, “Meh.” You can even say you hated it.
  • You don’t have to sound smart, be highly educated about something, or convince anyone else that your opinion is valid. It’s your opinion. You’re entitled to it.
  • Reviews are a lifeline for creatives. Without them, great books never get read. Great products disappear from the shelves. Musicians quit because they can’t get a gig.
  • The more reviews a product has, the more likely it is to succeed. Reviews create momentum that help others find the work or product they need.
  • When you leave a review, you empower yourself. That simple act, those simple words, are recognition that your voice deserves to be heard.

So if you’ve read a good book lately, go to Amazon or Goodreads (or both) and share your enthusiasm. If something is terrible, be kind, but let us know.

Why write a review? Because it’s easier not to. When you think about it, if staying quiet is easier than expressing yourself, are you really being good to you?

Your voice matters. Use it and leave a review.

 

 

The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves by Destiny Allison | Review

Grateful for this wonderful review!

Puddletown Reviews

Destiny Allison's The Romance DietBrave, raw, and unflinchingly honest, this book is a weight loss journey, a love story, a heart beating loudly on the page. Every day we battle against something–injustice, our spouses, our weight. Seldom do we acknowledge the real wars we wage. Repressing feelings and silencing our voices, we suffer under the surface, attributing emotional distress and unwanted pounds to the inescapable effects of hormones or age.

But weight gain, anxiety, and marital difficulties aren’t always so easy to explain.

In her poignant and touching memoir, Allison doesn’t offer recipes, exercise tips, or advice. Instead, she shows us how to stand up, express what we want, and develop empathy for ourselves and the people we love. In doing so, she provides invaluable insight for those seeking to lose weight, save a marriage, or make a significant life change.

Includes a Readers Guide.

WOWBook Details:
Title:
 The Romance Diet: Body Image…

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Kick Fear to the Curb

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Join me at 11:30 am MST for a great conversation with Shannon Hernandez on The Courageous Living Show. This show is all about beating fear and stepping into the life you want to live. There will be a live Q & A after our conversation. Here’s the link if you want to tune in:

https://blab.im/m-shannon-hernandez-kicking-fear-to-the-cur…